The Night Before The Night Before Christmas

 Here's another cynical little Christmas story...


People said I looked like Old St. Nick Himself. It's not like I could deny it or anything. I was fat and had a long white beard and mustache. All I needed was a red suit trimmed in white fluff and a big wide size fifty-two black belt with a huge silver buckle on it. And a goofy hat of course.

To bad I didn't much care for kids, destructive evil  little terror machines that they were. I could have been Santa any day of the week. Hell, I couldn't even go out shopping during the Christmas season. Every brat in the store would flock around me like I was their best friend  and try to drag me after them to show me exactly what they wanted so I wouldn't screw up.

I would ask them their name and then I would pull a wadded up piece of paper out of my pocket. I would pretend to find their name on the list and tell them they were bad this year and weren't getting anything but coal in their stockings. They would run off crying and tell their mothers that Santa was being mean and she would drag the child back and tell me how ashamed I should be of myself.

My snappy response to her would depend on whether I had already been to Tenny's Tavern, or just getting ready to go there. Needless to say, it was much easier to stay out of the department stores from Thanksgiving till Christmas. It's not like I had to go to Walmart that often anyway, living alone and all. If I did feel like going, it was as much to torture the kid's as anything. At least that's what I told myself.

The Ghost Of All

Here's another old piece, one of my favorites!

The Ghost Of All

     "I'm waiting," said the voice.

     "Who said that?" I asked.

     "Sam Dilbert, 1955-2002," it responded.

     "But that's me!" I exclaimed. "I'm not dead!"

     "I know, that's why I'm waiting!" replied the calm voice...

***

     I was under the knife. Twenty five years of smoking, and drinking two pots of coffee a day has a tendency to clog the plumbing, or so I understand. The old ticker needed a bit of repair in order to function as designed under extended warranty. If I hadn't waited so long it probably would have been a simple enough procedure. But I wasn't one much for heading off to the doctors at every little pain and twitch I felt torturing my well worn body.

     They put the mask on my face and said to count backwards from one hundred. I don't know why they had me start so high, I only made it down to around eighty seven. And now I was dreaming. I didn't know you dreamed when you were put under like that. But that had to be it, why else would I be talking to someone while my chest laid split open like an over ripe tomato?

***

The Good-The Bad-The Santa

This is an old piece for the holiday season. I have one or two others if I can find them.

The Good The Bad The Santa

Little Jimmy didn't believe in Santa. After he found a bunch of gifts in his parents closet last Christmas that turned up under the tree with 'From Santa' written on the tags, why should he. Still, he was a normal kid in every other respect. He loved Christmas, he loved unwrapping presents and getting new blue jeans and toys. This year on Christmas eve, he laid awake until his parents had finished wrapping presents from 'Santa'. He heard them go to bed and he waited for what he felt was a reasonable length of time, like ten minutes, then he sneaked quietly out of his room and headed down the stairs to get a sneak preview of what 'Santa' had brought him...

Just as Jimmy had reached the landing where the stairs turned ninety degrees to continue their decent into the living room, he heard a noise coming from the fireplace so he hid behind the stair railing as best he could.

Fun With Conspiracy Theories

Who doesn't like a good conspiracy theory? OK, let me rephrase that. Who doesn't believe in at least one conspiracy theory? And to qualify that a bit further, I would be very surprised if anyone on the planet doesn't believe in at least one conspiracy theory, even if they don't realize it's a conspiracy theory.

The point of this piece will not be to explore conspiracy theories in depth. Consider it more of a primer to introduce you to a few of the more popular mainstream, and also fringe conspiracies. Needless to say, any comments I give are only my opinion. People will believe what they want, utterly convinced that what they believe is the truth, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous their truth sounds to you or me. Or perhaps their theory is your truth as well, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous it sounds to others.

Google Earth Images

These are just a few of my favorite Google Earth images. It pisses me of when you find pictures of cool stuff on maps and then can't locate them, so I'll paste the co-ordinates to them so you can check them out yourself. Get Google Earth here. Click on the image to enlarge...

Yeah, weird shit in China. Lots of conjecture about these things... looks like landing strips...  40°29'9.60"N  93°28'55.65"E

This Is Big... Really Big

Sky City

China is a big country. They have the largest population, so it only makes sense that they are going to build the biggest skyscraper on the planet. How big? A 220-story behemoth that reaches 2,749 feet into the air. That's quite a tall order, pun intended. Still that's hardly the amazing part. The amazing part is that after preparing the foundation, they plan on completing the building in 90 days. Yes, I said 90 days.

The building will house a hospital, a school, 17 helipads and apartments for 30,000 people. The construction will be by Broad Sustainable Building Corp. and 95% of it will be prefabbed. Sky City will supposedly withstand a 9.0 earth quake. Follow the link below to read more...

Humor Me

What a complex society we live in. It's hard enough just being a regular Joe and trying to get along with the hundred or so people we have contact with on a regular basis. Just imagine what it's like to be someone of a more well known nature who are exposed to hundreds of thousands of people regularly, like entertainers or well known athletes, or politicians. OK, maybe not politicians. But the other popular people I mentioned are held way above the average person as far as conducting themselves appropriately. Actually, we all need to conduct ourselves in an acceptable manner if we desire to be treated in a similar fashion.

I don't mean to insinuate that more well known personalities are supposed to act any better than us regular people. It's just that those in the lime light are more apt to be chastised for irregular behavior than a drywall hanger like myself would be. To be sure, it would hardly make the headlines if I told an off color joke, whereas if the President did the same thing, he would have to create a new damage control team to handle the ensuing uproar from those disenchanted with his remarks. And I don't personally think there's enough unused staff in the White House to do that, particularly if we're talking about the past Bush Jr. administration.

Burnt Lips

I pick on my wife a lot, as I'm sure most husbands do. I just wanted everyone to know that it's all in fun and while some of what I write is very close to the truth, most of it is not. She has a great sense of humor and the only thing she requested of me is to give her a chance for a rebuttal at some point in time. I told her that would be fine. I don't know when that will be, hopefully long enough for her to forget about doing it.

First off, I would like to mention that I had a meal yesterday that was not burnt. I recognized it for what it was intended to be, and it was good. I ate a huge plate of it and suffered from overeating for hours, but it was worth it. I knew my wife could do it all along, and I told her so. "What?" she asked. "You cooked without burning the food." I said. "The electric went off in the middle of cooking," she said.

Fundies Rule

Why would I say such a thing? Because they say some of the stupidest things I have ever heard, and stupid is funny. Of course I'm not talking about all fundies. Like Muslim fundies are nothing to laugh about. They would very likely hunt me down and slaughter everyone I know and love in front of me if I made fun of them.

It's not like I've never done anything stupid before. Haven't we all. I just think that some things in this world are best left untested. For instance, you'll never see me pissing on an electric conducting rail for fear of being electrocuted. The same goes for peeing on a Koran, which would essentially be suicide. And drawing cartoons of Muhammad, and wanting to go to school if I was a 14 year old girl... all those being a capitol offense to the Muslim fundamentalist.

Mobile Madness

Jacked In

Smart phones. What do you think we use them for? Certainly not talking! Why pay all that money for a phone just to talk on? Smart phones should have a different name. What percentage of use on a smart phone would you say is for talking? You might be surprised...

I know I was. Not that I should have been, nor should anyone else. I should make it clear that I am not making fun of smart phone users. If I could afford a smart phone (and the cost of the excessive, blood sucking service provider 2 year contracts) and use it the way I would want to, I would fit right in with the majority. In other words, I would rarely talk on my phone.

I hate talking on the phone. Evidently, so do the vast majority of smart phone users. So what percentage of smart phone use does talking consume? Well according to a TGDaily article, using a smart phone for talking will dip below 10% this year. And we still call it a phone... why?

Big House and Gangsta

Big House

So yeah, now we hear all the gloom and doom about what is going to happen with the re-election of the POTUS. (That's the President Of The United States for those who didn't know) Well we heard all the gloom and doom before the election too. Seems we have a bit of flip flopping already.

David Siegel, the CEO of Westgate Resorts was a naysayer of happy things if Romney lost the election. You know, the raising of taxes, the ensuing layoff's of his employees etc... Well apparently things aren't going so bad for Westgate Resorts, at least not yet. For all their whining about the economy being such a wreck and how Obama has done such a terrible job, they sure seem to be kind of free and loose with their money. All their employees are receiving a 5% raise. And David Siegel is going ahead with the construction of his 90,000 square foot house. (Perhaps the biggest private house in the US)

The 47's

I hate politics. I really do. I rarely get into political discussions because people are going to believe what they want no matter if it's true or not. If someone believes in a lie, it is their truth. And if enough people believe in those lies, to them it becomes a fact, even if based on lies.

I believe if you pick almost any statement made by almost any politician and research it on the web, you will find sources that both support those statements, and sources that denounce those same statements as inaccurate or outright lies.  Then of course you have back peddling and flip flopping where those statements may be recanted too. So a politician may sing a different tune if they find the MSM (Main Stream Media) keying in on their off key remarks. So you will often find both the lie, and the truth from the same politician.

Steal My Money, Please

Life is hard enough without corporate America stealing our money. I mean they don't have to steal it, we pay them a fair share as it is. (Or unfair share, however you wish to look at it) Still it seems they can make whatever rules they want to their advantage and there is little or nothing we can do about it. Duke power, our electric provider in NC stole some of our money. Why? Evidently because they can.

Here is a short version of the story. We recently paid a power bill online. Through an error on our part, we inadvertently moved the decimal point on our payment and submitted it for Duke Power to deduct from our bank account. The actual payment was for let's say $250.00 but due to our error was input as $2500.00. So naturally Duke Power will take what ever amount you want to pay them, as long as it is equal to or more than you owe. Even if it is ten times what you owe.