The Good The Bad The Santa
Little Jimmy didn't believe in Santa. After he found a bunch of gifts in his parents closet last Christmas that turned up under the tree with 'From Santa' written on the tags, why should he. Still, he was a normal kid in every other respect. He loved Christmas, he loved unwrapping presents and getting new blue jeans and toys. This year on Christmas eve, he laid awake until his parents had finished wrapping presents from 'Santa'. He heard them go to bed and he waited for what he felt was a reasonable length of time, like ten minutes, then he sneaked quietly out of his room and headed down the stairs to get a sneak preview of what 'Santa' had brought him...
Just as Jimmy had reached the landing where the stairs turned ninety degrees to continue their decent into the living room, he heard a noise coming from the fireplace so he hid behind the stair railing as best he could.
Now Jimmy knew the house was locked up tight. His parents were very security minded. They had the alarm system, double dead bolts on the doors, motion detectors, an automatic dial out to the local police in case the sensors were activated, the works. Of course, they also made a big deal about leaving the alarm off on Christmas eve... for 'Santa'. And they made sure Jimmy knew they left the fireplace flue damper wide open, even though they never had a fire. "How else would 'Santa' get in?" they would ask him. How else indeed.
Jimmy was suddenly afraid. He hoped that his parents didn't really leave the flue open and the alarm system turned off. They were inviting crooks into the house to steal all his presents! He was sure crooks knew that parents did these things for their kids in order to perpetuate the fantasy that 'Santa' really does exist. He was sure that every crook in the country knew they could sneak in just about anybody's chimney on Christmas eve without fear of getting caught. He almost ran back upstairs to warn his parents, but instead, he decided to make sure it was a crook that he heard coming down the chimney first, and not just a bird or a squirrel.
As Jimmy watched the chimney in fascination, a pair of shiny black boots with huge silver buckles appeared dangling above the grate. He heard a grunt, the boots wiggled a little, and then an entire body fell out of the chimney and tumbled out onto the floor. A body all dressed in red... just like 'Santa Claus'. "My god!" thought Jimmy. He didn't think even a crook could stoop so low as to dress like 'Santa'. Did he think he would fool the little kids if they saw him? He wasn't even fat!
'Santa' picked himself up off the floor and brushed himself off. Jimmy was surprised that the 'Santa' suit wasn't coated with soot and ash. "Must be 'Scotch Guarded'," he figured. Then the 'Santa' crook did something that made Jimmy understand how he could pass himself off to little kids as 'Santa' if he was caught. He pushed on one of his big black buttons and his suit inflated with air! At least that's what Jimmy though. Now, 'Santa' was fat like he was supposed to be!
The 'Santa' crook had a big empty sack with him. Jimmy deducted that he was going to load his presents into it so he could carry them off. But instead, he reached down into the bottom of it and pulled out something. Jimmy could have sworn it was empty! Then 'Santa' reached for something hanging from the fireplace mantel. He reached for Jimmy's Christmas stocking! That's when Jimmy saw what the 'Santa' man had in his hand. He watched as 'Santa' dropped three dirty, black lumps of coal in his stocking. 'Santa' then went over to the table where Jimmy's mom had left out milk and cookies and started gobbling the cookies down.
Jimmy was crushed. There really was a Santa and Santa knew he had been bad and had put coal in his stocking! And he was chewing with his mouth open! Jimmy could hear him smacking his lips and crunching the cookies like a pig! Next, Santa drank the milk. He drank the whole glass down without stopping and then let out a tremendous belch, and never even said excuse me! His parents must know that Santa doesn't leave gifts for bad boys, so they bought him things instead, and then emptied the coal out of his stocking before he found it!
Tears came to Jimmy's eyes as he felt bad about thinking his parents were trying to fool him when they were only trying to keep him from being crushed because Santa was leaving him coal in his stocking. He watched as Santa stood there, picking cookie crumbs out of his teeth with his finger. And then he heard another noise, coming out of the chimney again. Once again a pair of shiny boots appeared. Once again, a skinny bearded man in a red suit came tumbling out of the fireplace. Jimmy was really confused now. Maybe the second one really was a crook.
The second Santa stood up and pressed his button just like the first Santa had. His suit puffed up and he was good to go. The only difference was that the second Santa had a sack crammed full of gifts. Then he spotted the first Santa, the one picking his teeth and burping.
"Oops."
"Oops? What the hell do you mean oops? What are you doing here?"
"Ho, ho, ho! Guess I'm a little early," said Santa two.
"A little early? You're not supposed to be here at all! Jimmy has been bad!" said Santa one.
"Oh, you say that about all the kids!"
"Well all kids are bad. They can't help it, it's their nature."
"Nonsense. Sure, sure, during the course of the year, a kid might be naughty once or twice, make a little mistake here and there, but so what."
"So what?" yelled Santa one. "How else do you teach them than by putting coal in their stockings?"
"Ho, ho, ho! I don't know," answered Santa two. "After you leave I just empty out the coal you put in there and fill them full of goodies. That usually works."
"Stop laughing damn it! So why are you here now? I haven't even left yet."
"Well," said Santa one, "There are all these trigger happy jets flying around Washington and I had to detour around them. They started shooting at me."
"You do look kind of like that guy they're looking for you know," snickered Santa one.
"Yeah, but I got the flying permit and everything!"
"So are you telling me you have cleaned all the coal out of the stockings I have already filled tonight?"
"Absolutely! You filled every single one you know," Santa two said accusingly.
"Like I said, all kids are bad."
"Do you want to be responsible for sending fifty eight million kids to therapy? There will be widespread social upheaval. There will be panic!" Santa two predicted.
"Sounds like fun. Think of all the therapist jobs we will be responsible for creating. Think of the rise in college enrolment, government grants and loan defaults!"
"You are evil," accused Santa two.
"No I'm not! There are kids freezing in Alaska who happen to love it when I give them coal."
"Ho, ho, ho! Then why not take it all to them?" asked Santa two.
"I said stop laughing damn it! That wouldn't be fair, they haven't been so bad that they deserve all the coal!"
"But that would be good for them!"
"Wait! You're confusing me! Someone has to do the dirty work, and it's all your fault anyway!"
"What do you mean it's my fault?" questioned Santa two.
"Dad said you wouldn't put coal in any of the children's stockings, so he made me do it!"
"Saint Nick made you do it? But why do you put it in all the kids stockings?"
"Because I could never decide who's been naughty or nice..."
"Oh for god's sake! You're the one who needs a therapist!"
"No I don't. Take little Jimmy for instance. He doesn't even believe in Santa! Did you know that?"
"Why certainly! Kids have to stop believing sooner or later you know. I mean hell, Walmart would go broke if we kept bringing kids presents even after they grew up. My god, that would put millions of people out of work!"
"They could become therapists!" exclaimed Santa one with cheerful glee.
"Besides, little Jimmy is too young to stop believing in Santa. He just made a little mistake is all, peeking in his parents closet."
"He was being naughty is what he was being, and you know it!"
"No, no, no! He was being inquisitive, he was exploring the unknown, he was... looking for something to read!"
"In his mothers closet?"
"Well yeah, maybe. I know I keep interesting things to read in my closet."
"Sure, I'll bet you do. Look, I'm tired of arguing with you. I've got twenty six freight cars full of coal to get rid of tonight. I have to go." said Santa one.
"Twenty six cars?!? What am I going to do with twenty six train cars worth of coal when I empty the stockings you fill?"
As Santa number one was raising up the chimney he yelled, "I don't know! But I hear there are kids freezing in Alaska! Ho, ho, ho!"
"Are you laughing at me?" asked Santa two.
***
Jimmy couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. Not only was there a Santa Claus for real, but there were two of them! A Santa for the naughty, and a Santa for the nice! And the nice Santa comes along and empties all the coal out of the stockings of the naughty kids anyway, so they never know if they are naughty or nice!
Jimmy scratched his head in confusion and walked quietly back up the stairs to his bedroom. He made a mental note to himself to ask his mother if she could get him in to see a therapist after Christmas.
Santa number two collected up all the coal his brother put in the kids stockings and sent it to an energy co-op in Alaska where it was distributed equally amongst the needy freezing children.
Santa number one opened a long distance, on line remote learning class for child therapists. He was getting pretty tired having to visit every single child every Christmas and was hoping to reduce his work load.
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen were all shot down by patriot missiles protecting Washington and were replaced by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
Jimmy's mom put a lock on her bedroom closet door and took little Jimmy to a therapist. The therapist assured Jimmy that there were plenty of good things going on in the world and no need to worry about making a little mistake here and there. And to prove it he told Jimmy about an energy co-op he was in charge of in Alaska, and how a generous donor gave them twenty-six rail cars full of coal for the freezing children.
"Yeah," said Jimmy. "I think I know him. Short fat guy in a red suit?"
"Well yes, now that you mention it..."
"Has a funny laugh, kind of like, ho, ho ho!"
"Well yes he does, but... Jimmy, you don't mean to tell me you still believe in Santa, do you? My, my, I can tell right now we're going to be seeing a lot of each other. I had better sign up for that new on line child therapy class I was reading about for a refresher. Children today can be so complicated..."
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