The Ghost Of All
"Who said that?" I asked.
"Sam Dilbert, 1955-2002," it responded.
"But that's me!" I exclaimed. "I'm not dead!"
"I know, that's why I'm waiting!" replied the calm voice...
***
I was under the knife. Twenty five years of smoking, and drinking two pots of coffee a day has a tendency to clog the plumbing, or so I understand. The old ticker needed a bit of repair in order to function as designed under extended warranty. If I hadn't waited so long it probably would have been a simple enough procedure. But I wasn't one much for heading off to the doctors at every little pain and twitch I felt torturing my well worn body.
They put the mask on my face and said to count backwards from one hundred. I don't know why they had me start so high, I only made it down to around eighty seven. And now I was dreaming. I didn't know you dreamed when you were put under like that. But that had to be it, why else would I be talking to someone while my chest laid split open like an over ripe tomato?
***
"So, who the hell are you?" I asked the apparition as it slowly materialized before me.
"All men by nature desire knowledge. Aristotle, 384 BC - 322 BC, Metaphysics," he said.
"So you're Aristotle?" I asked, to which his reply was silence. "Apparently, knowledge is going to be difficult to come by talking to you." The form standing over me was taking shape now. "Are you trying to scare me or something?"
"The attempt and not the deed Confounds us. William Shakespeare 1564 - 1616, "Macbeth", Act 2 scene 2."
I now had a clear vision of the man. A bearded fellow, a bit on the rotund side, kind of like a Sebastian Cabot looking character. Gentlemanly, kind, aristocratic looking. But he had a certain glow about him, and little, tiny balls of light were zipping around him and jetting off in all directions at any given moment.
He was looking down at me. I was laying on a table and everything was black around us. Kind of spooky, if you know what I mean. I was feeling a little anxious as it was. And I wondered what this quote thing was all about.
"Ok, look," I said, "my future is not looking all that bright at the moment. I would appreciate it if you would try your best to keep me from getting excited."
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955."
It was a trick, I know it was. Each time he spoke, I could swear his voice changed.
"Enough!" I shouted. "I know a few quotes myself you know. Like this one, - People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"Dan Quayle said that," the Sebastian character interrupted. "But he's not dead yet."
"I know that! Neither am I!" I said proudly, thinking I had tripped him up.
"Yes you are, you just haven't taken the final step yet. As I said, that's why I'm waiting." He folded his arms across his chest and was tapping his foot impatiently.
"And just who in hell are you to be rushing me on my way? And don't answer me in another prophetic damn quote either!"
"I beg your pardon! There's no reason to be rude," he announced. "I'm very busy you know. You happen to be quite fortunate that I am allowing you my personal attention. I could have sent one of my agents to wait for you," he said, jerking his head to indicate the little bright balls of light circling around him.
"Well excuse me for living! I guess you think I've died before and am familiar with the procedure?"
"Oh for gods sake, you don't know what the balls of light are? They are the bright light at the end of the tunnel you've heard so many 'almost' dead people having seen when they have clung to life during a physical crisis instead of dying like a decent person would. Just like you are doing at the moment I might add! It infuriates me!"
"So why am I seeing you instead of just a bright light?" I asked out loud.
"Because, I am the Ghost of All."
"Really?" I said sarcastically.
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers 1879 - 1935."
"So, you're saying that you are a ghost of all the people who have died? Ever?" I asked.
"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. Sir Winston Churchill, 1874 - 1965."
"Oh!" I said indignantly. "So now we're name calling are we? Fool? Fool? By the way, I thought the bright light at the end of the long tunnel was some sort of manifestation of God?"
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science. Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955."
"I take it then that you are an evolutionist?"
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken, 1880 - 1956."
This was like talking to a riddle master. You had to try to figure out what he is really trying to say in order to get to the true meaning of his message. I felt like he had a pretty poor opinion of mankind in general though.
"If I am already dead, then what is the hold up Mr. Cabot." I then asked.
"I am not Sebastian Cabot sir. I could be anyone you have a memory of. For instance, your fifth grade English teacher perhaps?"
"No, no! Not her!" I screamed as he changed into her right before my eyes, but just as quickly changed back.
"You see? I chose this fatherly figure you are seeing and are familiar with in order to make your crossing over more comfortable. It's my job, it's what I do. - I aim to please, you aim too please. Anonymous, out house wall, Broken Bow, Nebraska, 1806."
The Sebastian looking guy looked at his watch impatiently, still tapping his foot. Tap, tap, tap...
"So why are you still waiting? I am still alive aren't I?"
"No, you are dead, but they are trying to resuscitate you. I am waiting for them to fail," said the Ghost of All.
"So kind of you, I would hate to be alone at a time like this."
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain, 1835 - 1910."
"If your opinions of human kind is so bleak, why do you bother with us? I mean, don't you have some better way to be spending your time than spouting demoralizing quotes that serve no better purpose than to point out all our shortcomings?"
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. Bertrand Russell, 1872 - 1970."
"Certainly you don't hope to enlighten yourself further at the expense of another soul?" I asked Ghost.
"The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. George Bernard Shaw, 1856 - 1950, "Man and Superman", 1903, act I."
"I almost get the feeling that you are trying to teach me something. Is there something wrong?"
"I am going to loose you. It happens from time to time," said the Ghost of All."
"You must be disappointed. Not only am I going to survive, but you can't add any of my quotes to your repertoire."
"Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. John Maynard Keynes, 1883 - 1946. You, Mr. Sam Dilbert, have spoken few words that I would categorize as remarkable or worth repeating."
I felt myself being drawn back to the real world. The Sebastian look a like was starting to fade. I had to get in a parting jab or two before it was to late.
"Something need not be remarkable to be notable Mr. Ghost."
"They always talk who never think. Matthew Prior, 1664 - 1721."
I knew I was beaten. There was no way I could compete with a walking, talking encyclopedia of quotes. Still, I couldn't help but try.
"If I would die and stay with you, I would rather live. As horrible as life could be, it would be a picnic in comparison."
"Pathetic," said the Ghost of All. "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. Leo Tolstoy, 1828 - 1910."
"When I see you again Ghost of All, I will have something profound at the ready. I'll not be humiliated in this manner again!"
"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken, 1880 - 1956."
"Fine!" I said as the apparition faded from sight. But here's something to think about until we meet again. - Look the other way, and you'll never see what you missed!"
"Not bad Sam," said Ghost of All's fading voice. "Not bad at all. I rather like that one. I'll consider it!"
"Thank you!"
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain, 1835 - 1910."
He just had to get the last word in...
Note: All quotes followed by the creators name and date of birth/death were gathered from The Quotations Page, a site that randomly generates famous quotes.
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