Here's another cynical little Christmas story...
People said I looked like Old St. Nick Himself. It's not like I could deny it or anything. I was fat and had a long white beard and mustache. All I needed was a red suit trimmed in white fluff and a big wide size fifty-two black belt with a huge silver buckle on it. And a goofy hat of course.
To bad I didn't much care for kids, destructive evil little terror machines that they were. I could have been Santa any day of the week. Hell, I couldn't even go out shopping during the Christmas season. Every brat in the store would flock around me like I was their best friend and try to drag me after them to show me exactly what they wanted so I wouldn't screw up.
I would ask them their name and then I would pull a wadded up piece of paper out of my pocket. I would pretend to find their name on the list and tell them they were bad this year and weren't getting anything but coal in their stockings. They would run off crying and tell their mothers that Santa was being mean and she would drag the child back and tell me how ashamed I should be of myself.
My snappy response to her would depend on whether I had already been to Tenny's Tavern, or just getting ready to go there. Needless to say, it was much easier to stay out of the department stores from Thanksgiving till Christmas. It's not like I had to go to Walmart that often anyway, living alone and all. If I did feel like going, it was as much to torture the kid's as anything. At least that's what I told myself.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Ghost Of All
Here's another old piece, one of my favorites!
"I'm waiting," said the voice.
"Who said that?" I asked.
"Sam Dilbert, 1955-2002," it responded.
"But that's me!" I exclaimed. "I'm not dead!"
"I know, that's why I'm waiting!" replied the calm voice...
I was under the knife. Twenty five years of smoking, and drinking two pots of coffee a day has a tendency to clog the plumbing, or so I understand. The old ticker needed a bit of repair in order to function as designed under extended warranty. If I hadn't waited so long it probably would have been a simple enough procedure. But I wasn't one much for heading off to the doctors at every little pain and twitch I felt torturing my well worn body.
They put the mask on my face and said to count backwards from one hundred. I don't know why they had me start so high, I only made it down to around eighty seven. And now I was dreaming. I didn't know you dreamed when you were put under like that. But that had to be it, why else would I be talking to someone while my chest laid split open like an over ripe tomato?
The Ghost Of All
"Who said that?" I asked.
"Sam Dilbert, 1955-2002," it responded.
"But that's me!" I exclaimed. "I'm not dead!"
"I know, that's why I'm waiting!" replied the calm voice...
***
I was under the knife. Twenty five years of smoking, and drinking two pots of coffee a day has a tendency to clog the plumbing, or so I understand. The old ticker needed a bit of repair in order to function as designed under extended warranty. If I hadn't waited so long it probably would have been a simple enough procedure. But I wasn't one much for heading off to the doctors at every little pain and twitch I felt torturing my well worn body.
They put the mask on my face and said to count backwards from one hundred. I don't know why they had me start so high, I only made it down to around eighty seven. And now I was dreaming. I didn't know you dreamed when you were put under like that. But that had to be it, why else would I be talking to someone while my chest laid split open like an over ripe tomato?
***
Monday, December 3, 2012
The Good-The Bad-The Santa
This is an old piece for the holiday season. I have one or two others if I can find them.
Little Jimmy didn't believe in Santa. After he found a bunch of gifts in his parents closet last Christmas that turned up under the tree with 'From Santa' written on the tags, why should he. Still, he was a normal kid in every other respect. He loved Christmas, he loved unwrapping presents and getting new blue jeans and toys. This year on Christmas eve, he laid awake until his parents had finished wrapping presents from 'Santa'. He heard them go to bed and he waited for what he felt was a reasonable length of time, like ten minutes, then he sneaked quietly out of his room and headed down the stairs to get a sneak preview of what 'Santa' had brought him...
Just as Jimmy had reached the landing where the stairs turned ninety degrees to continue their decent into the living room, he heard a noise coming from the fireplace so he hid behind the stair railing as best he could.
The Good The Bad The Santa
Little Jimmy didn't believe in Santa. After he found a bunch of gifts in his parents closet last Christmas that turned up under the tree with 'From Santa' written on the tags, why should he. Still, he was a normal kid in every other respect. He loved Christmas, he loved unwrapping presents and getting new blue jeans and toys. This year on Christmas eve, he laid awake until his parents had finished wrapping presents from 'Santa'. He heard them go to bed and he waited for what he felt was a reasonable length of time, like ten minutes, then he sneaked quietly out of his room and headed down the stairs to get a sneak preview of what 'Santa' had brought him...
Just as Jimmy had reached the landing where the stairs turned ninety degrees to continue their decent into the living room, he heard a noise coming from the fireplace so he hid behind the stair railing as best he could.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Fun With Conspiracy Theories
Who doesn't like a good conspiracy theory? OK, let me rephrase that. Who doesn't believe in at least one conspiracy theory? And to qualify that a bit further, I would be very surprised if anyone on the planet doesn't believe in at least one conspiracy theory, even if they don't realize it's a conspiracy theory.
The point of this piece will not be to explore conspiracy theories in depth. Consider it more of a primer to introduce you to a few of the more popular mainstream, and also fringe conspiracies. Needless to say, any comments I give are only my opinion. People will believe what they want, utterly convinced that what they believe is the truth, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous their truth sounds to you or me. Or perhaps their theory is your truth as well, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous it sounds to others.
The point of this piece will not be to explore conspiracy theories in depth. Consider it more of a primer to introduce you to a few of the more popular mainstream, and also fringe conspiracies. Needless to say, any comments I give are only my opinion. People will believe what they want, utterly convinced that what they believe is the truth, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous their truth sounds to you or me. Or perhaps their theory is your truth as well, no matter how unsupported or ridiculous it sounds to others.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Google Earth Images
These are just a few of my favorite Google Earth images. It pisses me of when you find pictures of cool stuff on maps and then can't locate them, so I'll paste the co-ordinates to them so you can check them out yourself. Get Google Earth here. Click on the image to enlarge...
 | |
| Yeah, weird shit in China. Lots of conjecture about these things... looks like landing strips... 40°29'9.60"N 93°28'55.65"E |
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
This Is Big... Really Big
Sky City
China is a big country. They have the largest population, so it only makes sense that they are going to build the biggest skyscraper on the planet. How big? A 220-story behemoth that reaches 2,749 feet into the air. That's quite a tall order, pun intended. Still that's hardly the amazing part. The amazing part is that after preparing the foundation, they plan on completing the building in 90 days. Yes, I said 90 days.
The building will house a hospital, a school, 17 helipads and apartments for 30,000 people. The construction will be by Broad Sustainable Building Corp. and 95% of it will be prefabbed. Sky City will supposedly withstand a 9.0 earth quake. Follow the link below to read more...
China is a big country. They have the largest population, so it only makes sense that they are going to build the biggest skyscraper on the planet. How big? A 220-story behemoth that reaches 2,749 feet into the air. That's quite a tall order, pun intended. Still that's hardly the amazing part. The amazing part is that after preparing the foundation, they plan on completing the building in 90 days. Yes, I said 90 days.
The building will house a hospital, a school, 17 helipads and apartments for 30,000 people. The construction will be by Broad Sustainable Building Corp. and 95% of it will be prefabbed. Sky City will supposedly withstand a 9.0 earth quake. Follow the link below to read more...
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Humor Me
What a complex society we live in. It's hard enough just being a regular Joe and trying to get along with the hundred or so people we have contact with on a regular basis. Just imagine what it's like to be someone of a more well known nature who are exposed to hundreds of thousands of people regularly, like entertainers or well known athletes, or politicians. OK, maybe not politicians. But the other popular people I mentioned are held way above the average person as far as conducting themselves appropriately. Actually, we all need to conduct ourselves in an acceptable manner if we desire to be treated in a similar fashion.
I don't mean to insinuate that more well known personalities are supposed to act any better than us regular people. It's just that those in the lime light are more apt to be chastised for irregular behavior than a drywall hanger like myself would be. To be sure, it would hardly make the headlines if I told an off color joke, whereas if the President did the same thing, he would have to create a new damage control team to handle the ensuing uproar from those disenchanted with his remarks. And I don't personally think there's enough unused staff in the White House to do that, particularly if we're talking about the past Bush Jr. administration.
I don't mean to insinuate that more well known personalities are supposed to act any better than us regular people. It's just that those in the lime light are more apt to be chastised for irregular behavior than a drywall hanger like myself would be. To be sure, it would hardly make the headlines if I told an off color joke, whereas if the President did the same thing, he would have to create a new damage control team to handle the ensuing uproar from those disenchanted with his remarks. And I don't personally think there's enough unused staff in the White House to do that, particularly if we're talking about the past Bush Jr. administration.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)